You Are NOT Alone

In the wake of the recent tragedies in which young people in our area have taken their own lives, God has placed it upon my heart to tell others about my personal battle with depression. You see, during my own struggles, I simply couldn't believe that anyone could understand what I was feeling. I felt that anyone would find my reasons for being depressed to be ridiculous.

When I was in elementary school, I was bullied pretty consistently. I was regularly made fun of for being overweight and being a "nerd". It was hard on me. I didn't have many friends.  I started to dislike myself, and I couldn't find my self worth. I'm sure that would seem ridiculous to a lot of people, but eventually, what people say gets to you. It was at this time that I actually contemplated suicide. As an elementary school student, I had actually contemplated taking my own life because I had put that much emphasis into what others thought about me. That was when God revealed to me that I had let my happiness rest in what others though about me instead of my relationship with him. God gave me peace in the situation that I was in and reminded me that when I put my happiness in him and focus on my relationship with him, I won't worry about what other people think. He reminded me that as I was bullied, Jesus was persecuted, and that, as a Christian, I would inevitably face persecution from the world. God helped me to push past the depression that I was undergoing. He led me to friends and helped me out of the ridicule that I had undergone. I thought that would be the end of my depression.

Later, in high school, I had lost my focus on my relationship with God. I sought after a relationship, and at the time, it consumed all of my focus. I began to shut out those around me, and I slowly slipped back into depression. I pursued relationships that were not placed before me by God, and as a result, none of them worked out. I felt inadequate and unlovable.  It was at this point, the lowest point in this struggle, that God reminded me that I had again lost my focus on him, and even though I had lost that focus, God also reminded me that he still loved me. As I began to recenter my life on God, he brought a wonderful woman into my life. It's incredible how different this was from every other relationship I had tried on my own. It was like everything had fallen into place so perfectly, and that is when God reminded me that I don't get to choose when things happen, because things happen on his time. I felt like I had everything I would ever need at this point, and depression would never be able to come back.

In college, I again faced a feeling that I had before: inadequacy. I felt as though I wasn't good enough for anyone. My grades were falling lower than I wanted them to be, I wasn't spending enough time with my girlfriend, I was neglecting friends, and I felt like I wasn't spending enough time with my family. Worse than all of these things, I had let the burdens of life completely overtake the time that I should have been spending with God. I felt like the world was falling in around me.  I was scared to open to people about it, too. What if they blamed themselves? What if they thought that they had made me feel this way? I tried to keep it bottled up, but I found it further affecting my relationships with others. That's when God reminded me of how I was neglecting him, and he told me that I didn't have to face this trial alone. Not only did I have God to aid me, but once I opened up to those around me, an immense weight was lifted off of my chest. My church family and God helped me through the struggles I was facing, and helped me to overcome my depression once again. 

So why am I telling you all of this? Why am I opening up about my struggles? Because when I was in this state, I didn't feel like I had anyone to talk to. I didn't think anyone could understand what I felt inside. I felt dread in waking up every morning, and I dragged through the day wishing that the day would be over. I just couldn't believe that anyone would understand that. I don't want people to feel the way that I did. I want people to know that it is okay to seek help. I want someone suffering through the same things to know that those around you care, and they are willing to help. More importantly, God will help. I want those who are suffering through depression to know that they aren't broken. I want them to understand that this can happen to anyone, even the son of a preacher who looks like he has it all together.  I also want those who don't understand depression to get a glimpse into the emotional distress of someone whose been through it. Without experiencing depression, it is impossible to understand it, and it seems absolutely irrational; however, I can tell you that it isn't something you can control. I want you to know that understand that even the most trivial of things can mean the most to someone suffering through depression. I remember how friends would invite me to go do something with them, and even if I couldn't go, the immense amount of self-worth that I felt cannot be expressed into words. I remember people checking on me throughout the week, reminding me that they were there if I ever needed to talk, and it meant the world to me. And I remember one person from our church who would give me a hug every time he saw me and remind me that he cared. It would nearly bring me to tears as I overcome with emotion, reminded that people still cared about me. Because when you're depressed, those things that you rationally know (like that your family and friends care about you) need to be reinforced through actions for you to truly believe them. 

So if you know or suspect that someone you care about is depressed, be a friend to them. Remind them that you care. Show them genuine concern. Listen to what they have to say, and don't dismiss it as irrationality. Most of all, seek God's guidance in how you can help someone through their situation.

And if you're depressed, don't be afraid to open up. I know how hard it is. Writing this post has been unbelievably difficult for me. Being emotionally vulnerable is hard, but bring it to those around you, because they really can help. If you know God, take it to him, because he can offer a peace beyond all others in the midst of that trial. If you don't know him, seek him, because you can't be given a comfort greater than his. If you feel like you have no one else to talk to, come talk to me. I'd be happy to listen, because I don't want anyone to suffer through the emotional turmoil that I felt. My phone number is 865-216-8805. Text me or call me. I'm not saying I can fix your problems, but I'll pray for you and be an ear to listen because I don't want anyone to feel like they have to go through that burden alone.

-Daniel, 22 years old